If you’re reading this balder-dash I assume then you’re on your second cup of coffee. I don’t want to waste much of your time this fine morning headed to our three day holiday, but there’s something I’ve got to get off my chest. It’s not something I relish; this business of throwing a good friend under the bus. Yet, if I don’t do it, we’re bound to lose him to the demon masturbation.
Yes, you’ve probably already guessed it; there was an intervention last night. Poo was confronted by his sons. He of course denies participating but was surrounded by the proverbial smoking gun. The magazine and Vaseline said otherwise. Still adamant, he turned his back to his progeny and folded his arms inadvertently exposing his palms, revealing the thick growth of hair on each. This was all they needed to see and immediately executed an obviously rehearsed plan. One son quickly grabbed Poo around his arms, while the other chloroformed him; rendering our associate unconscious.
Shortly after the chloroform wore off Poo awoke and immediately assessed his situation and feigned sleep until the staff left him alone. Our fellow committee member had discovered a bottle of hand lotion sitting next to the sink. You’d think under the circumstances this had to be a mistake. He’d been staring at it on and off for over an hour now and was getting aroused as evidenced by his newly erected tent. Finally the staff left. Poo stealthily slipped out of bed to check the single nurse on staff to gage the angle between him and the lotion. It’ll only take moments to snag the lotion exposing him nano-seconds while in the act, so he turned and moved quickly toward the prize. In his single-mindedness though, he hadn’t noticed the monitoring equipment in his return path and ran into it full steam. The noise and clamor followed by a string of profanity immediately set the staff off on a dead run. Once again our friend was caught in the act.
Last I heard, he’d been strapped to his bed and drugged for his own safety and resting comfortably. The Nervous Hospital has a special section set up for this kind of addiction. He’s kept in a barbiturate induced fog to keep him quiet. He keeps asking for his reading material; but wasn’t fooling anyone. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of sitting next to him, you know the drivel is endless. While I’m sure being strapped down on a bed isn’t something new for the old fart, but it seems a bit extreme don’t you think?
Please remember Poo in your prayers, God bless him.
ZUKI HAS BRUSH WITH SAINTHOOD.....no it was heartburn afterall
Good Morning Voluble Impuissance,
As we close down another August and look toward Labor Day, it occurred to me that perhaps we all have some unfinished business on our collective doorsteps. If you can remember a few postings ago the power had shut down and I took a walk around the 'herbal' organic businesses surrounding my hovel. Evidently when I sat in on a women's pagan support group and disrupted it, one of the women remembered my name and looked me up on Facebook. She was moved by my honesty and says the incident has turned her life around. Look, I’m as shocked as you are, but here's an excerpt from her email to me:
"…As it turned out, a few weeks after you broke up the meeting, I attended another workshop on “Uplifting Lesbian Encounters.” Sitting on the other side of the room was Jillian. She was my very first lover from college some fifteen years ago! We had a terrible break up and figured I’d burned the bridge in the process, so I never attempted to contact her. I thought about the courage you displayed in being completely open and honest and felt I needed to again possess those attributes. At the end of the session, I just asked her if I could speak to her. Very simply I told her how sorry I was that I had hurt her so; that it was nothing she had done but something that was wrong with me; that if I could do it over, I would do it differently; and with all the sincerity I could muster, I apologized. She was so gracious and forgiving, and I knew immediately I had finally done the right thing. Within an hour all my aches and pains melted away and felt like a great weight had been lifted from me; Jillian had learned much. I just thought you should know…"
I'm sure Margo would explain that her angels had indeed finally gotten through. That said, we just don't know how our actions will affect others do we? It's a big responsibility! I know Charles Barkley maintains "I'm not a role model" but one doesn't need to be famous to be an example for good or for bad. Look I don't want to rant on about being a good example because I'm pretty sure 'that ship has sailed.' But for the two or three of you reading this sackcloth and ashes it's not too late! Stand out in a crowd! Make your-self heard! And for you curmudgeons, show a little backbone and say something nice!
I felt this was all very timely. During our emergency meeting held last Sunday one of our own took it upon themselves to describe for our new female bartender reasons NOT to go out with me! It was unprovoked and clumsily delivered. There was no discussion of going out nor was it contemplated, so I suspect it has much to do with one’s ability to hold one’s liquor as anything. This old associate once again fell back on the old 'truth in jest' justification that they were ‘just kidding.’ Guilty of this slap to the face more than anyone I know it's clear they mask their own frustration. Never tasting the fruits of success (not necessarily monetary) watching life shrivel beneath every step like poison has an accumulative effect. Ultimately one finally makes peace with mediocrity.
Just remember the next time you decide to shit in someone else’s flat-hat simply to obdurate dreams, it might have dire consequences!
HOW MANY MORONS DOES IT TAKE TO......Bagged One twists the knife
Good Morning Perpetual Monotony,
I’ve always maintained anyone that writes an original piece or in retaliation to something I’ve said in fun, they’re welcome to post it here unedited. The Bagwan felt like he hadn’t been able to communicate his frustration over a Freudian Slip about women and mothers in a comment posted weeks ago. I’m holding an emergency committee meeting today at University to discuss whether or not to maintain Bagwan as our spiritual leader. It seems to me he’s morphed into the ‘Anti-Christ’ Enjoy:
“Well this is another fine mess you have gotten us in.” I think that is what Hardy used to say to Laurel, in this case I am Stan Laurel. My incessant harping at Zuki for an innocent mistake has caused him to get writers block. Not only does he have writers block but he is constipated, hasn’t peed since Thursday night and says he is pretty sure he can’t ejaculate. Just Jackwagon inserted a catheter and gave him an enema so we have a leg up on that part of the problem. The Jackwagon says he doesn’t know how to handle the ejaculation issue.
It turns out the simple mistake of reversing mom and woman in the true statement every mom is a woman to read every woman is a mom has caused Zuki to be gun-shy. He said he started to write a piece only to go back and in the very first paragraph he found “every Catholic is the Pope.” He hasn’t been able to go near a keyboard since.
Just Jackwagon and I took him out for drinks yesterday in an effort to calm him down. No amount of booze or praise seemed to work. He excused himself to go to the restroom (pre-enema) and was gone for quite some time. Given his blockage issues we really didn’t start to worry until after half an hour. I was afraid so JJ went back to the men’s room and immediately comes running out yelling for help. There is Zuki lying on the piss-soaked floor, stripped down to his boxers mumbling something that sounded like “taken out of context” and “dramatic emphasis.” He refused to put his clothes back on but we got him to come back out to the bar in his boxers. Needless to say, that will be our last visit to the Dam Grill and Tap Room.
Well People we have a situation on our hands. I have to take the blame for causing it but I’m not going to be able to solve it by myself. We need help finding a topic that will spur Zuki on --- serve as a literary enema if you will. I have already offered up some of the standbys like Madcow and medical marijuana, DV ANT and a toilet, Cush and a forest and of course everyone’s favorite Zuki falls in love. None of those offered even a glimmer of hope.
One of you out there holds the key, an idea that will get Zuki off the pot and writing again so that once again Zuki will be mentioned in the same sentence as Hemingway (Muriel).
Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
zuki
31/08/2010 07:23
HAPPY B DAY LULA!! MORE SPOILED MILK FOR YOU!!!
ZUKI
23/08/2010 07:24
HAPPY B DAY KIMSTER!! NEVER EVER LOSE THE TOOL BELT!! LOVE YA
zuki
13/08/2010 13:45
Thanks AZZ, in some small way you were part of it...sort of....but thanks
Good Morning Shriveled Ones,
Good Morning Voluble Impuissance, 
