A NATIONAL DATABASE SHITS....zuki deals with adult o.d.d
Good Morning Vestigials,
Well, well, well....it seems the chickens have indeed come home to roost. Years of self-abuse; cigarettes, alcohol, and accoutrements suitable for the occasion has taken their toll physically and now walk with a permanent limp. In addition to my declining health, I now must deal with soulless government bureaucrats incapable of marginalizing my innocuous behavior. I don't wish to leave the wrong impression here, as these mindless assholes were not complicit in what's happening to me, rather their intrusion into my life is a direct result of years of scoffing at things such as tickets, court dates, and other things I found much too tedious. I'm only writing this account in hopes of teaching the two or three of you reading this 'warrant of arrest' that our inter-state system or 'National Database' will eventually reel you back to accountability. One would think I would learn this lesson as it's happened several times during my 60 rotations, but evidently my Adult O.D.D. renders me incapable of responding appropriately; therefore I suffer.
Looking back on twenty years of business travel, I remember being pulled over by local or state police at least a dozen times; mostly for speeding. This doesn’t count the 20 plus parking tickets I justified because the city didn't provide enough parking slots close to city hall. I had several bags and a laser speed gun to haul and didn't want to walk four to six blocks. By the time I got up the stairs and through security my shirt would have come un-tucked, wrinkled my suit coat, and sweated just enough to form visible 'pitts' when I shed the coat! To me anyway preventing this humiliation justified parking in reserved slots or commercial parking which almost always resulted in a ticket or worse a towing. Given the majority of these tickets were generated outside of Colorado I made an unconscious decision to ignore them. I always kept them in my car to remind me to pay them, but eventually they got buried under hamburger wrappers and other semi-important shit in my rear-seat file.
I realized my current drivers license expires first of August so I took the day off from work and girded up my loins to re-new it. I passed the eye-test so they entered my license number into the computer and from her face I immediately knew something was wrong. "Sir did you get tickets in MA, TX, SC, CA, and IOWA?" she inquired, and I sheepishly suggested there was a good chance given my extensive travel, but wasn't sure about specifics. She went on to explain that these were 'flags' tagged onto my license suggesting outstanding tickets or warrants and had to be cleared before they would issue a license. SHIT! What is so bizarre about this is how random it is. Not one of the flags involves speeding!
MA - right turn on red light
TX - parking in commercial zone
SC - rolling through stop sign
CA - not wearing a seat belt
IA - unspecified warrant
So at the very most inopportune time, a $15 parking ticket is now $98 and that was the least expensive of the group! Financially speaking it's clear I'll be driving without a license but also because public transportation (as documented on this forum) absolutely SUCKS!!! This poses a dilemma to be sure as the decision to drive illegally is the very same attitude that got me into my current mess. Yet what can I do?? What would you do?
In spite of the content on this forum I know a number of you to be intelligent bright individuals and seek your council. I don't want a lecture as I've beaten myself up reasonably well. But given my affliction, how can I break this cycle of stupid?
THE SEARCH FOR POO..AGAIN....zuki goes to in n out burger
Good Morning People of Clemency,
With little to go on in terms of clues, it seems our friend Poo has once again slithered his way out of our lives. I think it's been well established our one-time anchor at 'Curmudgeon Corner' is somewhat diminished in his capacity to reason these days and prone to mis-adventure. His children are of the belief 'we' continue to be a bad influence and detrimental to their beloved father's health. Whenever I inquire as to their father's whereabouts I'm stonewalled and curtly told to go away. Consequently I'm always left to my own devises to put myself in his shoes and figure out where he headed. As you might imagine this 'discovery' process can lead to odd happenstances.
The last time I saw our demented friend was at Dewey's, and as is his custom of late, he began to grope, even feel-up several of our female guests. At first everyone thought it was cute in a lecherous sort of way, but most of them have grown weary of it and now threaten to press charges. In interviewing these victims I asked them if they remembered anything beyond his slobbering stories of Chinese debauchery that would help locate him. All but Dee Dee couldn't understand him let alone retrieve useful information. Dee Dee has known our besmirched associate as long as anyone, and one of the few able to interpret his incoherent blathering. When I approached Dee Dee to ask a few questions, she immediately knew what I was after and said without hesitation, Poo was headed to the ‘In N Out Burger’ for a 'Double Meat' and a whore named "Purdie."
I got to the In N Out and started asking around. The fry dude told me if I waited around until 6:00 PM Purdie usually got a Diet Coke and sat in the back booth. What the hell it was only 15 minutes, so I ordered a 4 X 4 'Animal Style' and waited. The fry guy was spot on as a semi-attractive woman came in alone, purchased a Diet Coke, and sat in the booth next to the rear door. I approached Purdie and asked if I could sit down and she eagerly said “yes.” I described Poo to her and asked if he was a client. I knew I’d fucked up because she immediately suspected me of being a cop and withdrew. I assured her I wasn’t and explained Poo’s precarious situation. Purdie looked as though she’d seen a ghost so I asked her what was wrong. “I may have killed him” she bemoaned with guilt, “This man is the kinky-ist SOB I’ve ever met!” “What do you mean” I asked with some trepidation. Lowering her voice she whispered, “He likes me to pretend I’m his mother” she said blushing a little, “I mean not just to ‘nurse’ but to change his diapers, sing nursery rhymes, and burp him! When we met up yesterday he now wanted me to spank him in addition to the other weird things” she continued, “AND HE REALLY LIKED IT!” she said obviously proud of herself. With a little more urging, she finally told me Poo had mentioned right after his diaper change he was planning a trip to ‘Timber Line.’ Now I knew where he was generally, but just exactly where was still a ’needle in a haystack.’
On a hunch I called Pitkin County Sheriff’s Department and asked if there were any reports of strange or unusual behavior involving an old man wearing a “Crocodile Dundee” hat. Dispatch asked me why I was interested so I lied and told her Poo was my father. She put me on hold so I was forced to listen to the “Ray Coniff” singers do “Let it Be” by the Beatles; it was very disturbing. Lt Heffernan got on the phone and told me they had arrested a man running naked in the campgrounds with only his ugly leather hat. Evidently Poo wouldn’t give his name, but claimed to be ‘King of the Forest’ and those people camping were trespassing and demanded they leave immediately. I knew this could only be our good friend Poo. I told the good Lt. I was sending someone to post bail and headed west.
By the time I arrived the entire department was running around with weapons drawn; flashlights pointing in all directions. I stopped a Deputy to ask what was going on and as I suspected, Poo had lost his orange jump-suit and had escaped headed for Aspen. Like ‘Cool hand Luke’ I’d lost his trail. I’m not sure how long one can survive naked at timber line, so please help me. I’m forming a search party and so far only Phat-Ass has volunteered. Jeez.
BAGWAN'S DALLIANCE.....truly a gift for all mankind
Good Morning Victims of Circumstance,
There seems to be a never ending stream of bull shit emanating from the mouths of infectious drip-dicks that the once famous 'Susie Chapstick' was seen engaged in coitus with the 'Bagwan;' staining the ‘Doghouse’ parking lot. Not rushing to judgment I did some asking around and conducted a thorough investigation. Based on DNA samples taken from smeared spooge left on the dashboard of Suzy’s car, it appears the rumor is true. While this in its self isn't surprising, the fact our 'Holy Fucker' broke his 15 year vow of celibacy for a fat dried up old hag with thinning hair has me in a foul mood. If one takes on the thankless job of being the 'Diatribe's' spiritual leader, swearing to abstain from carnal pleasure, then one must do it! Never mind he's married to his sainted wife, how in Rutabaga's name does he insert his 'Johnson' into that bag of worms?
For the two or three of you too young to remember, Suzy Chaffee after doing well in the Winter Olympics became the attractive spokeswoman for Chapstick brand lip balm and forever known as ‘Suzy Chapstick.’ She went on to become a political activist for women's causes in the 70's and her talent as a lobbyist became widely known when it was revealed she fucked Ted Kennedy to get the 1978 Amateur Sports Act passed into law. I thought I had read someplace Sleazy Suzy had moved back to Colorado, and it appears she has. 'Bagovermehead' never had a chance!
Now we the disillusioned have no spiritual compass to set a moral course for this our humble forum. Oh the shame! "Oh the humanity" Oh shit!
This will no doubt come down to an emergency committee meeting to discuss disciplinary action or possible sanctions against the ‘Holy Fucker’ for breach of contract. I’m in hopes it won’t come down to that. We curmudgeons do whine and complain allot, often asking for the head of a perceived ne’er-do-well, but we’re also a kind and forgiving lot. Besides Just Jackin,’ who of us hasn’t fallen prey to the charms of a seductress bent on picking our pockets? Sure we hold Baggy to a higher standard but in spite of his claims he is after all mortal; subject to failure.
I intend to interview (provided I can be worked into his schedule) the mystic to determine his contriteness and willingness to learn from this unfortunate mess to once again rise up and become our spiritual compass. His attendant’s claim he’s been locked in the ‘Meditation Room’ for the last 72 hours since the news of his dalliance became public. I think this is a good sign. I’m sure he feels just awful about this and is seeking further light and knowledge. I suspect he’ll emerge from this ugly dilemma a changed man thus benefiting us all.
In the mean time though, I hope his ‘Johnson’ turns into a burnt matchstick!
Margo I saw one of your angels with what appeared to be filthy lips. It looked very much like she'd been sucking on something....go figure.
Bagwan
09/07/2010 19:53
Sorry to hear about your lips Margo. I would recommend a solution but I am not sure what set of lips we are talking about.
Margo
09/07/2010 13:33
This is directed to all those that scorn me:
ISAIAH 6:5
5 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes ha
zuki
08/07/2010 07:10
HAPPY B DAY MEGAN I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!!!
zuki
07/07/2010 11:46
Margo just so you're aware, I live my life by this creed:
On my honor I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
DV ANt
06/07/2010 15:03
Ahh Margo its not about the Angels your a few french fries short of a happy meal
Margo
06/07/2010 10:29
You say, “There is no such thing as angels”?
I am alive today to tell you, if you don’t believe, you’re making a big mistake!
zUkI
02/07/2010 07:27
thanks margo for pointing this out. Satan was masquerading as a large portly fellow at the end of the bar
Good Morning Vestigials,
Good Morning People of Clemency,
Good Morning Victims of Circumstance,